Who Should Initiate Intimacy?

Okay, seriously, this is tough. As a woman and a mother, I know how difficult it is to just do life in general without wanting to lose your mind but to add to this stress, “doing” your partner in a way that makes both of you feel good and loved and fulfilled is ridiculously difficult.

If you are reading this and you are a unicorn (A confident, intimacy queen by means of knowledge and action without fail every day), please get in contact with me so you can share your tips through my pen. I am convinced that the unicorns are out there, but I am not convinced that all the unicorns have their sparkling horns shining bright all of the time.

For the rest of us girls, let’s talk about this. I will be doing a series of these discussions over the next couple of months. Subscribe to the blog if you want to read more of these. I am also going to create these blogs as Video content and post them on Tiktok and Youtube. I will share the details below.

Today’s topic is probably the most difficult step in becoming a better intimacy partner yet all the self-help guides, put this one right at the top of the list. Brace yourself!

· Communicate Openly.

What the heck! You want me to what?

If you want to improve on or become better at being intimate, you guys will have to talk about it. I don’t know about you, but I find it very challenging to start this kind of conversation. I cannot explain to you why exactly because let's face it, the man has seen my but-hole and everything else. How embarrassed can I really be? Yet, I am!

So, how do we start?

Firstly, think about exactly what it is that you want to address. I am going to focus on something that I would like to improve on but struggle with. I want to become better at initiating our intimate moments. I am convinced that hubby would love it if I did, and I have seen so many fights between couples where this exact topic popped up.

Believe me when I say that this is not my first try towards this and I can honestly say that the first time that I tried this, I went about it the wrong way. I decided to just change my behaviour and randomly approached my husband out of the blue. He got such a fright when I sent him a sexy meeting request, that it all ended up in a massive bugger-up. At first, he thought it was cute that I sent him the invite and he played along, but that night, when the meeting was supposed to start as scheduled, he walked into the room and told me that he simply could not do it. The whole approach felt way too “planned” for him. Kind of like being called into a presentation meeting where you are expected to perform or potentially disappoint your boss. We ended up going to sleep. He felt horrible and I felt so rejected that I told myself I would never do it again.

Here I am now, a couple of months down the line, trying this again because I love my man and I do believe that he needs me to take the lead sometimes, and I really want to feel sexier and confident in the bedroom.

Because I learnt that a sudden change might not be the best approach, I have decided to create a moment to talk to him about my intentions. I have decided to arrange a proper date night at home where we are safe and where we can talk without worrying that a nosy lady will eavesdrop on our conversation.

I will use this evening to express my intentions. First, I will have at least 2 glasses of wine! Then I will reassure him that I love him and that I appreciate how he always has to gather up the guts to approach me for playtime. I will tell him how much I admire the fact that he tries over and over, even if I reject his efforts every now and again. Then I will come out and say it. “I want to become better at initiating our playtime more often because I want to show you that I want to be with you, and I like playing with you.”

I can already see it. He is going to giggle like a teenage boy who accidentally saw a pair of boobies for the first time!

After he settles down and I stop blushing, I intend on asking him how he feels about this and more importantly, what he would like for me to do when I want to get down and dirty with him. Obviously, from my previous blooper, I know he wants it to be spontaneous rather than a meeting invitation, but I will need some guidance this time.

I suspect that something like undressing while walking down the hall towards our bedroom might be something that he would like. Or whispering into his ear after the kids went to bed, saying something like: “I am going to take a shower and wait for you in bed.”

The most crucial point that I need to discuss with him is the issue of rejection. Between you and me, let me just say that I am truly impressed by men when it comes to this. Can you imagine being rejected by your partner and still remaining confident enough to try again? It took one rejection to put me off this mission for months!

In order to prevent a repeat of me feeling rejected and then giving up on my mission again, I want to ask him for some help with this. Perhaps there should be a word or a sentence that we both agree on, to use when one of us isn’t open to the hanky-panky. I don’t think that it is so much the words that cause the rejection feeling, but rather the way that it is said and what happens directly after that. Saying no while giving me a hug and reassurance that it is nothing personal, would work nicely. Damn, I should have just done this with him when I did not feel up to playtime.

Perhaps I should give him some time to process all of this? I will ask him if he needs some time before I implement my plan. Do men need time to process this kind of thing? I will update you on this in my follow-up blog!