What is Your Book Called?

“If you had to write a book about your life, what would the name of that book be?” she asked me while we were sitting around a campfire next to the Groot Marico Dam.

The funny thing is, I have been struggling with this whole concept of ‘who I am’ and ‘who I am supposed to be’, for quite some time now. It must sound super cliché to use the phrase ‘since Covid-19’, but the truth is exactly that. During the worldwide pandemic, I did not have the experience of being locked up at home where I could hide away from the virus because I had to manage the burials at the cemetery. The positive side to this is that I was busy, and I felt like I was serving a purpose in a war. It was terrifying and I ended up having severe PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) but, I had a vital role to play, and I felt like I was making a difference.

It was after the pandemic that I started to feel lost. There is a void inside of me that I simply cannot seem to fill no matter what I do. Honestly, I struggle to explain this to people because it is not like I have nothing to do with my time and energy. Being a mother of two young teenagers who are going through the tough process of puberty, keeps me constantly reading and researching on how to best support them, and I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a queen. We go on exciting ventures together and explore all kinds of sensual things that keep the fire burning bright. Why do I feel empty and miserable, on weekdays between 8 in the morning and 15:30 in the afternoon?

Ever since I can remember, my first response to feeling trapped, scared, or bored would be to make a quick and drastic change. This behaviour would often resolve the issue I felt trapped in by exchanging it for a bucket full of other issues to sort out. I believe that the success in this was that I could manage the new problems by acting on them where the one that I escaped from, did not have solutions to it in my view. Somehow, I think I matured since my last drastic change and with the maturity came reluctance. To be blunter, my balls of steel turned to marshmallows.

Instead of making another drastic change, I decided to approach my dilemma differently this time around. I started seeing a career coach and based on the evaluations with her, I signed up for a course in Feature Journalism through UCT (University of Cape Town). What an amazing experience! I enjoyed the course and I passed with distinction. When I realised that my new skills would however not be able to make me enough money so I could replace my current salary, so I tried to use it within my current career. Sadly, this did not work out as I had visualised it. I was quickly reminded of what my job role is and that there is no room for my new writing skills.

My career coaching turned into life coaching where I started dealing with the PTSD and anxiety that numbed me. For a period of about 3 months, I had a sudden burst of guts and innovation. I started planning some exciting projects at my workplace that would not only bring feet to our business but would create a sense of community and love, in the eye of the public. I was filled with excitement and gave these projects my every bit of attention until I was brought back to reality once again. My job is to manage and maintain. Innovation is allowed within a set framework that is outlined by a collage of “NO and “ABSOLUTELY NOT”. For a short while, I sulked and refused to see any joy in my day to day, but it is not in my nature to remain in that state of mind forever.

Spending a lot of time thinking about what I should do with my life and when I should make the changes, I got invited to qualify myself as a life coach. Based on my career profile tests, I would find this kind of career appealing in most cases except perhaps for the administrative side of it. This took a couple of months to complete, and I finally received my Advanced Certification as a Life, Career, Study method and Relationship Coach. I enjoy being a coach and making a difference in the lives of other people. The excitement of seeing someone grow and develop is extremely satisfying. Again, this new skill can only be practised after hours because it would require a very large profile of active clients per month to cover my monthly expenses towards my household and my children.

So, there I was, sitting around the campfire with this question from my sister-in-law. It took me a couple of minutes to structure it in my head, but I finally said to her. “If I had to write a book about my life and give it a name, I would call it – The North-less Compass, by Jackie Liebenberg-Skeen-Crous.